Monday, May 19, 2008

awesometown

our mii mascot: neo

awesometown '08 has come and gone. whew. a fantastic four days. most of this crew i've known since freshman year of college. we've been getting together at least once a year (or when there's a wedding, twice a year) in a different city, and this year was dc, with the wintermutes and chief & chief chick hosting. we housed the little munchkins, with bloodninja, sin-thai-ya, and mini-me taking our room and momma cass and her crew taking the guest room. this year also featured the first new member since dr. wintermute, with j-watt bringing her dude (whom we met when they visited last month). highlights included:
  • playing pool in awesometown
  • grilling out saturday night at our backyad
  • playing football on the washington mall, with the capital building and the washington monument in the background
  • touring the spy museum
  • ethiopian food in adams morgan
  • the guys playing soccer tennis
  • lots and lots of wii
unsurprisingly, wii casualties included one lamp and one toddler smacked in the head. This is equivalent to spitting out food that someone has cooked for you. If you don't like the song, then leave the room (the good news is that most songs are over in less than four minutes) or ask to have it turned down.

anyway, i have to say that it felt really good to have a quiet house after waking up each morning to crying kids (two infants) at 7:00am.

next stop (probably): little rock '09!

pictures say it best. click here to see the whole collection.

i kept finding this guy on my neck


a meeting of the minds


a jedi youngling enjoys my star wars pop-up book


the italian stallion sizes up the pool table


macgruber and bloodninja


more wii competition


don't worry, west virginia still allows siblings to marry


future targets of mom jokes

Saturday, May 10, 2008

my other wife

greetings from ba's place (my grandmonther). dropped of dr. w at 7am this morning at the airport. she's in vegas for a bachelorette party. seeing the studs in 'thunder from down under' in their list. i also helped dr. w put together a kick scavenger hunt.

this afternoon i had a contractor come over to provide an estimate for some work that we're having done in the basement. the company absolutely refused to come unless both homeowners were present. first of all, what a gigantic pain in the ass. what business is of theirs whether dr. w, me, or both of us are there? i mentioned that i was married when i first called, not realizing that it would be used against me later in the call. well, i had already mentioned that my wife was going to be out of town, and they refused to book me an appointment.

well, i really want to have the work done before the enemy of my enemy crew arrives next week, and i was faced with a quandry.

so, i lied and called them back, and told them that my wife had postponed her trip.

now i needed a wife.

so i called chief chick. i don't think she was thrilled with the idea, but the novelty intrigued her.

the catch was that earlier in the week, i had invited my neighbors over to hang out. so now i needed to get all of them in on the story.

just to be safe, i took down and hid all of the pictures of dr. w and me.

so chief chick sat with me and listened to the contractor explain the work and give us an estimate.

i resisted the temptation to sit with my hand on her leg. by the way, the chief was in the family room playing wii with my next door neighbor.

afterwards, the chief wanted to know when he gets his night with dr. wintermute.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

courtesy timothy mcsweeney.

WORD PROBLEMS
FOR FUTURE HEDGE-
FUND MANAGERS.

BY BOB WOODIWISS

- - - -

Elementary
(AGES 5–10)

1. Dick has $1 million. Jane has $1 million. If Dick and Jane both give their $1 million to T. Boone, how many millions will he claim he can turn it into?

2. On his way home from school, Kyle stops to buy a candy bar. It costs 69 cents. How much change should Kyle get back if he pays for the candy with a $1,000,000,000 bill?

3. Among those earning 10-figure incomes, Mr. Soros's total annual compensation is greater than Mr. Falcone's. Mr. Falcone's is greater than Mr. Griffin's. Mr. Griffin's is smaller than Mr. Soros's, and Mr. Paulson's is greater than Mr. Soros's.

In descending order, list the men by the respective hotness of their trophy wives.

4. A hedge-fund manager gets up at 5 a.m. It takes him 12 minutes to shower, 8 minutes to get dressed, and 20 minutes to eat breakfast. How big is his domestic staff?


Intermediate
(AGES 11–15)

1. Your middle-class parents have a combined household income of $115,000. You receive an allowance of $20 per week. If you save all your allowance for two years, how much debt will you have to finance to hostilely take over your family? How will you structure the debt?

2. The number of hours left in the New York Stock Exchange's trading day is one-third of the number of hours already passed. How many hours are there until you can start trading on the Tokyo Stock Exchange?

3. At 10 a.m., a private Gulfstream G650 takes off from New York, headed south to the Caribbean island of St. Bart's, traveling at a speed of Mach .9. At 11 a.m., a private Gulfstream G550 takes off from St. Bart's, headed north to New York, traveling at Mach .885. Both jets fly at 50,000 feet on parallel flight paths. When the aircraft pass each other somewhere over the Atlantic, how long after seeing the G650 will the owner of the G550 kick himself for not going top-of-the-line? (Answer should be expressed in nautical miles.)

4. In a given year, the Dow Jones Industrial Average rises 8.3 percent, the NASDAQ rises 7.6 percent, and the S&P 500 rises 7.9 percent. If, in that same period, you manage a $29 billion hedge fund that loses 11.6 percent, how large a year-end bonus are you entitled to? (Round to the nearest $10 million.)


Advanced
(AGES 16–18)

1. Mr. Smith is being investigated by the SEC for insider trading. Calculate the probability of Mr. Smith's relocation to Dubai.

2. If an American hedge-fund manager makes $900 million and is taxed at a rate of 15 percent, how many American factory workers making $32,500 and being taxed at a rate of 25 percent does that make a sucker of? (Show your work.)

3. Your mother gives you x dollars to put gas in the family car. Your father gives you y dollars to get a haircut. You lose x + y dollars betting against your high school's undefeated football team. Explain to your familial investors how "that's life."

4. Days before the housing bubble bursts, you short the ABX subprime index and, when the ensuing mortgage crisis causes millions of families to lose their homes to foreclosure, you realize a $550 million profit.

Since, for you, this is the opposite of a problem, find the opposite of an answer.