pathological
greetings from tahoe. at our senior management retreat. about 70% work, 30% play. and having it at a phatty resort doesn't hurt.
today's activities including adventure games. we were divided into six teams of 14, competing in five rounds of outward bound-style games, culminating in a massive kayak relay race on lake tahoe. we came in third place, which was great. not as great as second or first, but still good. what i loved about it was the unabashed spirit that everyone was there to win, period. having 60 extreme type A people was fantastic. we had a set of rules, but they were open to creative interpretation. i often get a hard time when playing games, because i've always believed that the rules are subject to negotiation.
today, my team came up with an extremely creative solution to one of the games. it was 100% above the board. we told the judges what we wanted to do, asked them if we could do it, and confirmed how we would be scored if we proceeded. afterwards (when we won that game), all of the other teams congratulated us on our ingenuity. that's how it should work, in my book.
this kind of drive to win has increasingly become a source of pathology for me. i'm pretty sure my friends like me less, and at times, i think dr. wintermute likes this side of me less. i've always been pretty intense, but in the last four years, i've really put it into over drive. it's not pleasant.
i had a pretty bad moment this past weekend with the crew. we found a bar with a ping pong table, and i played bloodninja and the chief. turns out both of them are very good and handed my ass to me. i'm ok with that, but i was pissed (at myself) at the moment. i was seething, angry, and swearing and slamming my paddle on the table. i couldn't enjoy much the rest of the night, and dr. w was less than thrilled with me. she's very understanding--she asked me if i was ok, and after that, just let me stew in my own fury. i chilled out after awhile and rejoined the group. however, it clearly created a lot of distance. even bloodninja was like, "uhh dude, chill out."
dr. w and i had a good talk that night, and as i usually do, i come to the realization that i really need to get some perspective. this kind of behavior is not just abnormal, it's pathological. i'm not a fun person to be around, and i think it's costing me my friendships, to an extent. fortunately, i have a lot of capital built up with these friends, and they are extremely understanding.
so, after my long talk with dr. w, i'm bopping along for a few days, telling myself i'm going to take it easy, that winning isn't everything. that craving this kind of recognition isn't healthy. normal people don't need it.
then i get here. on the first night, i play wii tennis and dominate for two hours. during dinner, our ceo makes some jokes about it, but it's partial kudos, too. i have to admit, nothing makes me feel better than winning and getting recognition for it. i feel ten feet tall. it's precisely the wrong kind of positive reinforcement right now.
and today's adventure games just made it worse. i'm not sure what's wrong with me.
ugghh. i'm not going to have any friends soon.
today's activities including adventure games. we were divided into six teams of 14, competing in five rounds of outward bound-style games, culminating in a massive kayak relay race on lake tahoe. we came in third place, which was great. not as great as second or first, but still good. what i loved about it was the unabashed spirit that everyone was there to win, period. having 60 extreme type A people was fantastic. we had a set of rules, but they were open to creative interpretation. i often get a hard time when playing games, because i've always believed that the rules are subject to negotiation.
today, my team came up with an extremely creative solution to one of the games. it was 100% above the board. we told the judges what we wanted to do, asked them if we could do it, and confirmed how we would be scored if we proceeded. afterwards (when we won that game), all of the other teams congratulated us on our ingenuity. that's how it should work, in my book.
this kind of drive to win has increasingly become a source of pathology for me. i'm pretty sure my friends like me less, and at times, i think dr. wintermute likes this side of me less. i've always been pretty intense, but in the last four years, i've really put it into over drive. it's not pleasant.
i had a pretty bad moment this past weekend with the crew. we found a bar with a ping pong table, and i played bloodninja and the chief. turns out both of them are very good and handed my ass to me. i'm ok with that, but i was pissed (at myself) at the moment. i was seething, angry, and swearing and slamming my paddle on the table. i couldn't enjoy much the rest of the night, and dr. w was less than thrilled with me. she's very understanding--she asked me if i was ok, and after that, just let me stew in my own fury. i chilled out after awhile and rejoined the group. however, it clearly created a lot of distance. even bloodninja was like, "uhh dude, chill out."
dr. w and i had a good talk that night, and as i usually do, i come to the realization that i really need to get some perspective. this kind of behavior is not just abnormal, it's pathological. i'm not a fun person to be around, and i think it's costing me my friendships, to an extent. fortunately, i have a lot of capital built up with these friends, and they are extremely understanding.
so, after my long talk with dr. w, i'm bopping along for a few days, telling myself i'm going to take it easy, that winning isn't everything. that craving this kind of recognition isn't healthy. normal people don't need it.
then i get here. on the first night, i play wii tennis and dominate for two hours. during dinner, our ceo makes some jokes about it, but it's partial kudos, too. i have to admit, nothing makes me feel better than winning and getting recognition for it. i feel ten feet tall. it's precisely the wrong kind of positive reinforcement right now.
and today's adventure games just made it worse. i'm not sure what's wrong with me.
ugghh. i'm not going to have any friends soon.
posted by Wintermute at 3:16 AM
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