the bloodninja monologues

first of all, big up to bloodninja for graduating this week. he got married, is having a kid, and got a sweet job, too. big up. [by the way, no one believes that you ending up at ut at the same time as your now-wife-at-the-time-ex-girlfriend was a coincidence, least of all me. you were going to go to michigan or ga tech and you know it.]


good past week. on friday dr. wintermute and i got on the plane. it left 20 fateful minutes late. we end up just missing the window to get in to hartsfield ahead the thunderstorms that end up closing the airport. we're out of fuel so we can't circle, and end up getting diverted to augusta, where sit for a few hours on the runway. we finally land in atlanta around 11:30, having left soflo around 5 that afternoon. normally, this would be a travel nightmare. however, we were on an old song jet, which had tv screens in each seat, featuring an interactive trivia game, with passengers competing against each other.

dr. w and i entered and proceeded to dominate the entire plane, winning four games in a row, and six out of ten games. it was addictive, in a law & order kind of way. as soon as one game ended, the next one started. it felt great. i played almost continuously for four hours. i proud to say that we scored 3 out of the top 10 scores for the whole day. i had to resist the urge to get up and yell 'in the face' after each victory. on my way back to the bathroom, i did identify myself as 'winter' to one of our rivals three rows back (the game identifies participants by their screen handle and seat number). dr. w was a bit embarrassed by that move.

on monday, we hit metalsome to celebrate dr. w's graduation. for the first time ever, we walked away sorely disappointed. great crowd, shitty song selection. normally, not a problem. the band has sensed it, too, as they are now relegating 'skinny tie 80s' to wednesdays and reserving mondays for true metal. pat benatar should NEVER be played at metalsome monday. 80s bands like skid row, whitesnake, and bon jovi, and styxx are what we come to hear. sadly, queensyche has yet to get any airtime.

a few weeks, bama boy brought out a smoking hot chick, as he often does, to metalsome. amazingly, he hasn't called her back.

she. likes. metal.

what more do i need to say?

one of the first times i hung out with dr. w, we started talking because she had system of a down on her party mix. not a lot of chicks put armenian metal bands on their party mixes, but i'm proud to say that my wife does.

anyway, back to bama boy. so last night i'm hanging with moe and him after soccer, and he asks, 'so who is bloodninja?'

so, in honor of bloodninja graduating, i'd like to share some key excerpts from the best of the bloodninja monologues. a few choice bits can be found here.

excerpt 1:
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

bloodninja: Baby?

excerpt 2:
bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.

j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.

j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.

j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.

j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.

bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

j_gurli3: thats it.

bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.